This is really good and only recently painful enough to actually take a hard look at honestly. Is this real or illusion, red flag-where is the green spray paint, is it me, am I the one causing this dis-ease? I'm still in it because I truly love this girl. Probably the only one I have ever truly loved. But I let her fool me and conveniently swept my wants and needs under the rug. However, with much suffering over the last two years, I now see that I have always signed off on everything you detail here and put it into the acceptable-ish bucket. I will try to be more mindful moving forward, and "I am really enough"! The splitting open of the heart finally allowed me to see the truth about myself that I had never been able to see. I immediately tossed all of the green spray paint in the garbage. I am enough, perfectly imperfect, and I love deeply. I deserve better. Great work 🫶🙏🏼🧘🏻✨🌖
I noticed you jetted out of the country. Been on the roadmap for years, just so many choices?!? Friends moved to Portugal a couple of years ago and they love it. Great recovery/expat community. Mexico and Costa Rica have always intrigued me. Are you in Tulum or Bacalar if it's okay if I ask? I had always thought the Baja region but reading about Bacalar, it looks damn nice! 😊
I moved from LA to San Miguel de Allende which is high desert but beautiful and really great AA… gets cold there so during winter I travel to beaches. Bacalar water is stunning and a quaint little town… now I’m headed north to La Paz. I hear there’s good program there too so I’ll see if I can stay there longer after the holiday. Costa Rica has amazing program in Nosara. There is a yearly AA conference in May in Manuel Antonio costa rica. it’s amazing.
I'm glad we met because this is seriously my plan when I can get out of this hell I call Dallas, TX. Grew up here but lived in Austin from 90-02, when Austin was actually still Keep Austin Weird. Changed my life with the vibe. Moved back to Dallas kicking and screaming to be closer to elderly mother in 02 and miserable ever since. Mini, wanna be LA actually but badly done if that makes sense. It's really strange, ever since I was a kid I felt I belonged someplace like Cali?!? Not a geographical thing, I'm just not the typical bible belt, Texan kind of dude. Got to live in Seattle for a year during that Austin period and loved it. How could you not being a music geek, living in Seattle, in 94?!? Like moutains and snow, but I'm good with the beach and a nice climate! My BFF is a private pilot and he flys his clients to Mexico frequently. Loves it!
if your friend flys clients to Mexico you should try to catch a flight. SMA is close to Texas borders. LA is cool but since the fires it's a dramatic shift. Yeah, Austin is still blue... while Dallas is red red red.
Just so you know, I did the same exact things you describe. I can't even truthfully say I won't again. What I do know is that after this last trauma/heartbreak I will be more mindful of observing my actions and setting healthy boundaries. Even if I want to fill the God-or whatever shaped hole with-I'll use women/sex as my personal example, I'll remember what it felt like with this last bone crushing experience and use my experience wisely if tempted. 🫶🧘🏻✨🌖
it takes so long to get there right? to understand how we do this to ourselves out of needing to be loved, accepted, told we are enough - but these people continue to make us feel like we are not. I find that I used men/sex just like I did alcohol and pills - to escape - and I don’t want to do it anymore now that I know that’s what I was doing… sobriety sure makes it all make sense doesn’t it? Now we just gotta continue to work on these things. Thanks for sharing about it … makes us feel less alone :)
Hi Jen, thanks for those kind words. Reading your latest post now. These words got my attention for sure: “I’m no longer available for anything that costs me myself.”
Your vulnerability and honesty about your struggles with heartbreak, self-love, and abandonment are deeply relatable. I love how you've dissected your patterns and recognized the need to break free from toxic dynamics. Recognizing and addressing the unmet needs for acceptance, validation, connection, and understanding allows us to work toward healing and developing a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story! 🙏💗
Cyn, I finished reading this poem with a quiet sigh for you. That you feel at peace with yourself is something to cradle. Yet it's not a fragile thing. I've only met you recently. But in your poems I've seen much. So I say now, you've come so far... Be well.
" Done chasing the emotionally unavailable.
Done biting my tongue to keep the peace.
Done thinking sex is intimacy.
Done rolling out my silence like a red carpet
for someone else’s ego.
This is really good and only recently painful enough to actually take a hard look at honestly. Is this real or illusion, red flag-where is the green spray paint, is it me, am I the one causing this dis-ease? I'm still in it because I truly love this girl. Probably the only one I have ever truly loved. But I let her fool me and conveniently swept my wants and needs under the rug. However, with much suffering over the last two years, I now see that I have always signed off on everything you detail here and put it into the acceptable-ish bucket. I will try to be more mindful moving forward, and "I am really enough"! The splitting open of the heart finally allowed me to see the truth about myself that I had never been able to see. I immediately tossed all of the green spray paint in the garbage. I am enough, perfectly imperfect, and I love deeply. I deserve better. Great work 🫶🙏🏼🧘🏻✨🌖
The proverbial Dark Night of the Soul played out in real life. Pain really is the touchstone. Makes for some beautiful words though. 🫶🙏🏼🧘🏻✨🌖
dark night of the soul for sure… it took a trip to Tulum to let the ocean wash over me
I noticed you jetted out of the country. Been on the roadmap for years, just so many choices?!? Friends moved to Portugal a couple of years ago and they love it. Great recovery/expat community. Mexico and Costa Rica have always intrigued me. Are you in Tulum or Bacalar if it's okay if I ask? I had always thought the Baja region but reading about Bacalar, it looks damn nice! 😊
I moved from LA to San Miguel de Allende which is high desert but beautiful and really great AA… gets cold there so during winter I travel to beaches. Bacalar water is stunning and a quaint little town… now I’m headed north to La Paz. I hear there’s good program there too so I’ll see if I can stay there longer after the holiday. Costa Rica has amazing program in Nosara. There is a yearly AA conference in May in Manuel Antonio costa rica. it’s amazing.
I'm glad we met because this is seriously my plan when I can get out of this hell I call Dallas, TX. Grew up here but lived in Austin from 90-02, when Austin was actually still Keep Austin Weird. Changed my life with the vibe. Moved back to Dallas kicking and screaming to be closer to elderly mother in 02 and miserable ever since. Mini, wanna be LA actually but badly done if that makes sense. It's really strange, ever since I was a kid I felt I belonged someplace like Cali?!? Not a geographical thing, I'm just not the typical bible belt, Texan kind of dude. Got to live in Seattle for a year during that Austin period and loved it. How could you not being a music geek, living in Seattle, in 94?!? Like moutains and snow, but I'm good with the beach and a nice climate! My BFF is a private pilot and he flys his clients to Mexico frequently. Loves it!
if your friend flys clients to Mexico you should try to catch a flight. SMA is close to Texas borders. LA is cool but since the fires it's a dramatic shift. Yeah, Austin is still blue... while Dallas is red red red.
Just so you know, I did the same exact things you describe. I can't even truthfully say I won't again. What I do know is that after this last trauma/heartbreak I will be more mindful of observing my actions and setting healthy boundaries. Even if I want to fill the God-or whatever shaped hole with-I'll use women/sex as my personal example, I'll remember what it felt like with this last bone crushing experience and use my experience wisely if tempted. 🫶🧘🏻✨🌖
seems like we are on the same current page - trying to set healthy boundaries after a crushed heart. xx
Shits hard isn’t it? Why I’m one of those double-winers!?! I was so nuts, I needed both rooms?!?😜
well, like attracts like…
🫶🏼
it takes so long to get there right? to understand how we do this to ourselves out of needing to be loved, accepted, told we are enough - but these people continue to make us feel like we are not. I find that I used men/sex just like I did alcohol and pills - to escape - and I don’t want to do it anymore now that I know that’s what I was doing… sobriety sure makes it all make sense doesn’t it? Now we just gotta continue to work on these things. Thanks for sharing about it … makes us feel less alone :)
dont let that mofo take your fire
This was beautiful and so relatable. I can feel the passion and pain.
Thanks for reading Shannon. Happy it’s relatable to you. 💕
I just commented on a piece where I mentioned my propensity to spray paint red flags green. The struggle is real! ❤️🙏🏼🧘🏻♂️✨🌔
Haha. Totally. 🚩
Beautiful written and heartbreakingly relatable. Intrigued by your writing, keen to follow.
Jen
Hi Jen, thanks for those kind words. Reading your latest post now. These words got my attention for sure: “I’m no longer available for anything that costs me myself.”
Great to share works. Mmm yes, the incompromisable parts of us… love to hear what you think about the latest piece and how it lands for you.
Your vulnerability and honesty about your struggles with heartbreak, self-love, and abandonment are deeply relatable. I love how you've dissected your patterns and recognized the need to break free from toxic dynamics. Recognizing and addressing the unmet needs for acceptance, validation, connection, and understanding allows us to work toward healing and developing a more compassionate relationship with ourselves. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story! 🙏💗
Thank you so much for reading and understanding that dissection… so needed to move forward. 💜
"No one can save me"! The yin to this yang is that no one can break you either.
Self-abandonment is toxic to our bodies, hearts & souls. Just, at 39, realising this 💔 Thank you for writing this important message!
I loved reading how you found the love for yourself in you
beautiful
Cyn, I finished reading this poem with a quiet sigh for you. That you feel at peace with yourself is something to cradle. Yet it's not a fragile thing. I've only met you recently. But in your poems I've seen much. So I say now, you've come so far... Be well.
Thanks Kelly - right back atcha 💓
Welcome to listening to the Soul. Your words and experience are valid, as I know from my own.
Keep going... I see you
I see you right back Stephen. Thank you! 💞
Good strong words, Cyn.
Loved this “ I’m healthy. I’m messy. I’m whole.”
So important. The mess makes you real.
“And you know what? My dog adores me.”
Canine love. Totally pure ❤️
Hi Tony - yes canine love is the purest of all!
Your writing always takes me places I've been but seldom think about. I call your name, . . .
loud in the stony canyons of love long gone, and wait for my voice to come back, and it does; recognizable, but changed.
You absolutely deserve to be happy, so nice person...
like a boomerang > here we are!
Loved this story of your rebirth. So happy for you.
Hi Mark, thanks for reading…. yeah been a long time comin’ x
Ugg... so good, as always!
awww… thanks Mel. Hugs.