tightrope

recovery is a circus act

drink it snort it puke it fuck it
buy it shoot it down it suck it

i want it all
now
let me fall
push me
make me do it

it’s all down there~
i can see it
underneath my pretty presentation
i can see her
the memory of the girl i swore i buried
nailed her alive 6 feet down

but she’s still here
that fucking girl
snorting, licking
the leftover coke
off the bathroom floor at the Miami Delano
i can still feel the drip just thinking about it
that dirty girl
she wants to dance the night away
make you wish you stayed

she wants to drag me under
that beast in red stilettos with mascara rage
and breath that smells like foul decay.

she doesn’t want to be saved
she wants to win
wants to take me out
tapping her heels
painting her lips
waiting patiently
for me to fall
to my death
so she can get
her revenge

so I hurry run
straight to the circle
with my friends of Bill
and our styrofoam cups
because i really don’t want to
fall off today

some days, I’m flying
backflips on the wire
best damn circus act in town

but today?
i’m one deep breath away from disaster
one intrusive thought from the plunge

and I wonder~
if I fall,
who will catch me?
wrap your arms around me
let me cry with my pity party hat on?
don’t even know what I’m crying about anymore
wait~
yes, I do

the list is long
i hate to bore you.
my fears so loud
a screaming whisper:
that no one’s coming
that it’s all pointless
that he was right
that I ruined it
that I’m still that girl
a mess in that dress

omg, someone
please
tell them to shut up
tell them to shut the fuck up

hello,
i’m still here
you there?

cheers to another day
of not falling
off the g-d damn rope

who’s with me?

🖤
bougie