I believe in you , please 🙏 keep the fire going in the right direction!! Smile when you look in the mirror!! Because it’s you beautiful!! Im a firefighter 🧑🚒. Love your journey. Reach out , if you need anything
reading this made me just... feel good. For you. For myself. What really matters to me after reading this is that you have found such a state of grace. And I knew already that you had a good spiritual foundation, at least I sensed this from past conversations. I think I really see this in your words, though you don't ever use the word, "spiritual." As far as I'm concerned, this means it is all the more genuine in your life.
You listed some rather prevalent lifestyle addictions, of which pretty much everyone indulges in at least one. And most will never admit this. I've heard the phrase, "a dry drunk." As I understand it, this is someone ostensibly in recovery but who continues to indulge in addictive behavior. I assume this means drama, trauma or other adrenaline rush in some form. Is this correct? Are some of the non-chemical addictions, like shopping, dry drunk behavior?
I'm really glad I read this today. It really has made me glad for you. And it's beautiful writing, as all of yours is.
Kelly! Yes I believe we all have some addictive behavior. I def engaged in so many… and I’ll admit I did a bunch of dry drinking myself before I found some spirituality. I also feel you have a solid spirituality even amidst the struggles you’ve faced you have a sense of faith which I admire so much. 🖤
Hi Cyn, I am finally seeing your response to my comment, which feels like a lot more than just 5 days ago.
But thank you for these words. I actually have a deeply spiritual life. It’s the only thing which has kept me alive. Very literally. Life is so incredibly filled with blessings - everywhere. People just don’t know how to see. At least a lot of people don’t. Some of us are just lucky. I hope you’re having a good night.
From one “friend of Bill” to another, I’m happy for you! Sixteen+ years sober, sobriety no longer kicks my ass, but life does from time to time. Now I know I can survive—and thrive— through anything. Thank God, the angels and my sober community that it’s a “we,” not an “I” program. Enjoy those trees, Cyn! 💝
Lo estudiaba en la escuela secondaria y fue mi minor en la universidad (San Diego State). Tambíen lo usaba mucho cuando yo era una trabajadora social y psicoterapista. ? Y tu? ? Lo aprendías por vivir y viajar en México?
Yes, I go to meetings in every town I travel to in Mexico. This program is a wonderful place to connect with friends of Bill around the world, so much better than traveling and going to bars right?
Mi hermana vivía en Sayulita (al norte de Puerto Vallarta) y por un rato en la isla de Roatan (en Honduras). Mi hermano vivía en PV y en Punta de Mita después de vivir en La Paz.
Wow me encanta Sayulita y también La Paz. Ahorita vivo entre San Miguel de Allende en las montañas y Saladita serva de Zihuatanejo. Vienes a visitar tus hermanos?
Nunca he ido a San Miguel de Allende, pero me gustaria visitar. Desfortunadamente, mi hermana además mi hermano no están vivos. Tengo deseos viajar a México otra vez pero mi esposo piensa que es más peligroso hoy día. En tu experiencia, es cierto, sí o no?
I played a lot of Tetris on the SNES when I was a kid. The mental imagery I have of much of my life is slowly unstacking bricks from on top of myself, and as the pressure lowers, I become more and more human. I used to hate being outside for any reason. Now I own a chair specifically so I can sit outside and listen to the rain. When I own a home I will have a patio or somewhere outside I can sit and listen to the rain in peace. It's a time when I find it easier to 'pay attention like a cat'. Hands and feet down, feeling the earth. Feel the wind, smell the smells, watch what there is to see, hear the sounds. Let the fullness of my attention monitor everything. And when that becomes overwhelming, remember that I can sit back and just listen to the rain.
Yesterday was bad. I wanted to get ice cream cake. I wanted to eat myself back to 'ok'. I prayed for salvation, and instead my 'nap' turned into 7 hours straight of sleep. And when I woke up I wanted to eat more out of habit than hunger, and settled on listening to that voice inside saying 'cup of tea' and that kept me sated for many more hours. A day that could have undone weeks of progress turned into a day that was stable. God is good.
And really that's the story of the past year or so. Learning to trust, learning to listen, and sometimes facing the damage that prevents me from finding that peace (though it seems the extreme majority of that damage has been faced).
For you, the only advice/comment I could think would be that much of your life is about seeking external validation. Things you did to fit in, things you did to be desirable or feel wanted. He always wanted you. He wanted you from before you were born. You never had to earn that desire. You only have to learn to accept it is real. And some days, for me (and for you) it feels more solid and real than others. My life is lived in isolation. I can go weeks where the only human voices I hear are from speakers or the restaurant I'm a regular at. I've lived that way for decades.
I won't say it's healthy, but, for me, it's the place I needed to be to have the space, peace, and freedom to feel and hear. If I had the wife and kids I always wanted, there would be no way for me to have the sleep schedule I do, or the time in silent reflection I do.
I understand how easy it is to say the words "He has always wanted you" and how impossible it can be for a wounded heart to believe those words. The ONLY way I would have ever been able to convince myself, even as few as 5 years ago, of this would have been to live with myself and show myself that love I now understand firsthand. It's something you have to experience, not 'understand' mentally. And getting to an emotional place where I could even sit with that question and understand I was loved...that took nearly 30 years of work. People, to a person, failed me utterly in understanding this. I had to do it alone. That's not what is supposed to happen. There are supposed to be people you can sit in the presence of and have them be imperfect, but best-effort examples of His love.
But I tell you all this because I hope I can make you see that it is still possible to find it. For me, understanding this love started with The Chosen. Jonathan Roumie's performance of Christ was exactly what I needed to understand and believe in it. If you choose to watch, I'd stop at Season 4 Episode 1. After that it...S4E2 ends with something that is objectively false. To the point it almost undoes 3 seasons of good work.
Your line that jumped out at me the most which I relate to so much is: “eat myself back to 'ok' - and so proud of you that you slept through it, sat through it and the un-comfortability finally passed. And I LOVE The Chosen. Saw all of it. Absolutely loved how they made him relatable and human… full of the messages we need to hear. 🩶
I adore this and the way you have presented it. My clean date is July 10, 1999, so I'm coming up on 27 years. Enjoy! You're totally worth it – a living miracle.
Wow. So well written Cyn. I could relate to so much. I leave this piece optimistic and truly happy for you. Hope you wallow in your glory. Yeah. Get nice and muddy. You deserve it. Godspeed :)
You've had a hell of a run this year, and hitting that physical wall in the hospital is a trauma all its own, it changes how you look at your own body and your own limits. When you're used to being the one holding everything together, that loss of control is terrifying, and honestly, anyone who says otherwise is lying.
The 'sequel to the horror movie" is exactly why I stay stuck in my own head. I’ve spent so much time cleaning up my own messes that the fear of a repeat performance has paralyzed me. My health finally crashed this year and put me in the hospital, and honestly, coming out of that into the silence has been the most terrifying experience of my life because I have no idea how to exist without the constant noise and trauma.
The "intoxicatingly sober" makes me realize I’ve been looking at the stillness as a threat instead what it is, rest. Thank you for this. I need that reminder that we don't have to be perfect, we just have to survive the next ten minutes without burning the place down.
What touched my heart the most while reading this was how life slowly begins to be felt again once you stop running away. To me, true courage isn't about never falling; it’s about being able to choose yourself every morning without forgetting where you fell. The fact that a sunset, a cup of coffee, or a heartfelt conversation can make one feel good again gave me hope—because sometimes, the most powerful healing is the quietest kind. Sharing your journey so honestly might just give someone you’ve never even met the courage to keep going today. Thank you for that. 🤍
Hearing this made me truly happy 🤍 Sometimes, people we don't even know share the exact words we need to hear I hope that feeling—the one that brought you a bit of comfort today—stays with you throughout the day And I hope you keep writing, because your words help someone breathe again, quietly
Great writing. Such an excellent picture of addiction.
Thanks so much Brian. Glad the visual and the words hit x
I found myself rooting for you the whole way through ❤️ loved it!
Awww Pelle, that means a lot, especially since I love your writing so much.
Fkg love the closing statement x
Love that you felt that. We are high on fkg life @MoTy 🤸♀️🖤
Trading the quick fix for actual presence. It's harder work, but it's the only kind that lasts. Thanks for writing this.
What else are we here for right? To do the work for the long fix. Thanks for being here Timothy.
Great share!
"I remember the wreckage.
The scorched earth I called living.
The empty bottles.
The blackouts.
The apologies.
I've already survived that horror movie once.
I don't need a sequel."
Love this.
Hi Jennifer, love that you can relate and are here to share the journey 🖤
Thank you. In recovery too and going well. Luckily I live in a forest. Few temptations and Mother Nature taking good care of me so far.
Recovery with sobriety? I’m loving your photos on profile!
Yes. I am fortunate to have escaped up to a peaceful mountain and finally learned to meditate
Same same.
Wow, you too?? It took me years and could never quite get there until I pretty much changed my whole life.
Incredible beautiful, 😍
I believe in you , please 🙏 keep the fire going in the right direction!! Smile when you look in the mirror!! Because it’s you beautiful!! Im a firefighter 🧑🚒. Love your journey. Reach out , if you need anything
Hello Cyn,
reading this made me just... feel good. For you. For myself. What really matters to me after reading this is that you have found such a state of grace. And I knew already that you had a good spiritual foundation, at least I sensed this from past conversations. I think I really see this in your words, though you don't ever use the word, "spiritual." As far as I'm concerned, this means it is all the more genuine in your life.
You listed some rather prevalent lifestyle addictions, of which pretty much everyone indulges in at least one. And most will never admit this. I've heard the phrase, "a dry drunk." As I understand it, this is someone ostensibly in recovery but who continues to indulge in addictive behavior. I assume this means drama, trauma or other adrenaline rush in some form. Is this correct? Are some of the non-chemical addictions, like shopping, dry drunk behavior?
I'm really glad I read this today. It really has made me glad for you. And it's beautiful writing, as all of yours is.
Kelly! Yes I believe we all have some addictive behavior. I def engaged in so many… and I’ll admit I did a bunch of dry drinking myself before I found some spirituality. I also feel you have a solid spirituality even amidst the struggles you’ve faced you have a sense of faith which I admire so much. 🖤
Hi Cyn, I am finally seeing your response to my comment, which feels like a lot more than just 5 days ago.
But thank you for these words. I actually have a deeply spiritual life. It’s the only thing which has kept me alive. Very literally. Life is so incredibly filled with blessings - everywhere. People just don’t know how to see. At least a lot of people don’t. Some of us are just lucky. I hope you’re having a good night.
From one “friend of Bill” to another, I’m happy for you! Sixteen+ years sober, sobriety no longer kicks my ass, but life does from time to time. Now I know I can survive—and thrive— through anything. Thank God, the angels and my sober community that it’s a “we,” not an “I” program. Enjoy those trees, Cyn! 💝
Lo estudiaba en la escuela secondaria y fue mi minor en la universidad (San Diego State). Tambíen lo usaba mucho cuando yo era una trabajadora social y psicoterapista. ? Y tu? ? Lo aprendías por vivir y viajar en México?
Hi Deanne, so happy we find each other here like out there in the rooms as friends of Bill. It takes a village my sober tribe. 🖤
It does indeed! Do you go to meetings in Mexico? I went to one on Roatan once.
Yes, I go to meetings in every town I travel to in Mexico. This program is a wonderful place to connect with friends of Bill around the world, so much better than traveling and going to bars right?
!Es cierto, Cyn!
?Dónde vives en México?
Mi hermana vivía en Sayulita (al norte de Puerto Vallarta) y por un rato en la isla de Roatan (en Honduras). Mi hermano vivía en PV y en Punta de Mita después de vivir en La Paz.
Wow me encanta Sayulita y también La Paz. Ahorita vivo entre San Miguel de Allende en las montañas y Saladita serva de Zihuatanejo. Vienes a visitar tus hermanos?
Nunca he ido a San Miguel de Allende, pero me gustaria visitar. Desfortunadamente, mi hermana además mi hermano no están vivos. Tengo deseos viajar a México otra vez pero mi esposo piensa que es más peligroso hoy día. En tu experiencia, es cierto, sí o no?
The breeze through the trees. How wonderful are the things that you didn't care about on alcohol?
Right? We’re too numb to feel the breeze or even see the sun.
I played a lot of Tetris on the SNES when I was a kid. The mental imagery I have of much of my life is slowly unstacking bricks from on top of myself, and as the pressure lowers, I become more and more human. I used to hate being outside for any reason. Now I own a chair specifically so I can sit outside and listen to the rain. When I own a home I will have a patio or somewhere outside I can sit and listen to the rain in peace. It's a time when I find it easier to 'pay attention like a cat'. Hands and feet down, feeling the earth. Feel the wind, smell the smells, watch what there is to see, hear the sounds. Let the fullness of my attention monitor everything. And when that becomes overwhelming, remember that I can sit back and just listen to the rain.
Yesterday was bad. I wanted to get ice cream cake. I wanted to eat myself back to 'ok'. I prayed for salvation, and instead my 'nap' turned into 7 hours straight of sleep. And when I woke up I wanted to eat more out of habit than hunger, and settled on listening to that voice inside saying 'cup of tea' and that kept me sated for many more hours. A day that could have undone weeks of progress turned into a day that was stable. God is good.
And really that's the story of the past year or so. Learning to trust, learning to listen, and sometimes facing the damage that prevents me from finding that peace (though it seems the extreme majority of that damage has been faced).
For you, the only advice/comment I could think would be that much of your life is about seeking external validation. Things you did to fit in, things you did to be desirable or feel wanted. He always wanted you. He wanted you from before you were born. You never had to earn that desire. You only have to learn to accept it is real. And some days, for me (and for you) it feels more solid and real than others. My life is lived in isolation. I can go weeks where the only human voices I hear are from speakers or the restaurant I'm a regular at. I've lived that way for decades.
I won't say it's healthy, but, for me, it's the place I needed to be to have the space, peace, and freedom to feel and hear. If I had the wife and kids I always wanted, there would be no way for me to have the sleep schedule I do, or the time in silent reflection I do.
I understand how easy it is to say the words "He has always wanted you" and how impossible it can be for a wounded heart to believe those words. The ONLY way I would have ever been able to convince myself, even as few as 5 years ago, of this would have been to live with myself and show myself that love I now understand firsthand. It's something you have to experience, not 'understand' mentally. And getting to an emotional place where I could even sit with that question and understand I was loved...that took nearly 30 years of work. People, to a person, failed me utterly in understanding this. I had to do it alone. That's not what is supposed to happen. There are supposed to be people you can sit in the presence of and have them be imperfect, but best-effort examples of His love.
But I tell you all this because I hope I can make you see that it is still possible to find it. For me, understanding this love started with The Chosen. Jonathan Roumie's performance of Christ was exactly what I needed to understand and believe in it. If you choose to watch, I'd stop at Season 4 Episode 1. After that it...S4E2 ends with something that is objectively false. To the point it almost undoes 3 seasons of good work.
Your line that jumped out at me the most which I relate to so much is: “eat myself back to 'ok' - and so proud of you that you slept through it, sat through it and the un-comfortability finally passed. And I LOVE The Chosen. Saw all of it. Absolutely loved how they made him relatable and human… full of the messages we need to hear. 🩶
I adore this and the way you have presented it. My clean date is July 10, 1999, so I'm coming up on 27 years. Enjoy! You're totally worth it – a living miracle.
wow, 27 seems like forever - one grateful day at a time KIM!
Wow. So well written Cyn. I could relate to so much. I leave this piece optimistic and truly happy for you. Hope you wallow in your glory. Yeah. Get nice and muddy. You deserve it. Godspeed :)
Thanks for the read and I’m loving the mud :)
Pics please lol.
haha.
You've had a hell of a run this year, and hitting that physical wall in the hospital is a trauma all its own, it changes how you look at your own body and your own limits. When you're used to being the one holding everything together, that loss of control is terrifying, and honestly, anyone who says otherwise is lying.
The 'sequel to the horror movie" is exactly why I stay stuck in my own head. I’ve spent so much time cleaning up my own messes that the fear of a repeat performance has paralyzed me. My health finally crashed this year and put me in the hospital, and honestly, coming out of that into the silence has been the most terrifying experience of my life because I have no idea how to exist without the constant noise and trauma.
The "intoxicatingly sober" makes me realize I’ve been looking at the stillness as a threat instead what it is, rest. Thank you for this. I need that reminder that we don't have to be perfect, we just have to survive the next ten minutes without burning the place down.
So sorry to hear you were in the hospital. Glad to know you survived it and can take some time to rest the body and mind. All my love Joe. 🖤.
What touched my heart the most while reading this was how life slowly begins to be felt again once you stop running away. To me, true courage isn't about never falling; it’s about being able to choose yourself every morning without forgetting where you fell. The fact that a sunset, a cup of coffee, or a heartfelt conversation can make one feel good again gave me hope—because sometimes, the most powerful healing is the quietest kind. Sharing your journey so honestly might just give someone you’ve never even met the courage to keep going today. Thank you for that. 🤍
Sharing this space for that acknowledgment here with you warms my heart. Thank you. I also needed to read that this morning.
Hearing this made me truly happy 🤍 Sometimes, people we don't even know share the exact words we need to hear I hope that feeling—the one that brought you a bit of comfort today—stays with you throughout the day And I hope you keep writing, because your words help someone breathe again, quietly
Cemil -I love your comments so much, thank you so much - you help me breathe through the day too! ❤️
“Sobriety kicked my ass.” God, yes. That line hit hard. Thank you for writing this so honestly.
Thanks for reading Samu. Yep, sobriety is both a blessing and a bitch sometimes - as you know