I kept thinking of the old word apricity—the warmth of the sun in winter. That is what this piece left me with. Not the blaze of infatuation, but a quieter warmth earned after surviving a long season of frost. Sometimes healing isn't the return of feeling; it's the return of gentleness.
brrrr was that frosty season that I healed from after the post you read ‘The Crushing’ - isn’t it great how our loves become our best muses. Just hope the infatuated one didn’t read these to inflate his ego. But I’m so grateful you have… your insights have helped the healing process more than you know. x
Oh, the romantics always leave out the hangover. The withdrawal that comes when the glow wears off and you’re left looking at whatever is left. There is a primal kind of peace in that 'clean nothing' you describe.
There’s something quietly powerful about this. We spend so much time talking about heartbreak as loss that we rarely talk about what comes after the loss of the longing itself.
I don’t read this as cynicism. I read it as freedom.
Not the freedom of forgetting, but the freedom of no longer needing the story to continue. No more bargaining with the past. No more rehearsing old conversations. No more wondering who’s with whom and what could have been.
Just a kind of clean, honest presence.
"Out of the woods. Or maybe just done setting them on fire." is a line that will stick with me for a while.
Oh, you're so close. I admire your strength a great deal, Cynthia.
You know, its not an easy task to really take control of your addiction like that. And you bring up a beautiful point with this indifference feeling.
When you say, and maybe this is because I don't have toxic exes. I don't have these loves that weren't anything meaningful. But, in that feeling. You truly let them go when you're actually happy they could be happy somewhere.
I only speak, from the perspective of those I've spoken to in the past.
I've seen the very unfortunate side of people never really letting go or moving on from relationships. How they let that unravel their days, their souls.
Yes, love can be hard. I had a twenty year marriage, my kids. All of that.
I loved completely, and moved on quite easily to be honest. I wanted her to be more happy the next way through.
The unhealed toxic and lonely in my family and friends. They couldn't let this go either. They look at it like I'm being taken advantage of.
They turn into pits of shared misery.
You need that indifference, but you don't need to really be focused with any of that. No score keeping. Know that, you are doing exceptional. Look at how far you've come.
And don't treat loneliness or even the idea of not having another person to share things with, as the worst punishment.
Don't try to think of how someone in your pasts, negative, gives you a positive.
Sorry if I sound like I'm talking to you, I'm really just trying to share my perspective. Not really give advice, if. that makes sense.
Hi Mac, I love that you’re talking to me and giving your perspective. The comments area is where we can get to know people and I appreciate a conversation more than just oh I like this. What is so nice to hear is you are healthy enough to have moved on quickly and to say you didn’t have toxic exes means you yourself were & are not toxic. I admit my own toxicity otherwise I wouldn’t have been attracting toxic. I believe in my sobriety now I’m getting healthier and clearer to hopefully attract better. As the saying goes - like attracts like or the level of water we are at, right? 🖤
What I’ve enjoyed most with reading your journey the past year or so. Is you’ve set an excellent example of proving success, in being able to filter your external, to achieve goals you didn’t think possible.
Think of me as someone reluctant to change the external, knowing it’s just success when I do.
I think that’s where we connect at.
And don’t get me wrong. I healed immediately and found Destiny pulling from outside the wall.
Life teaches lessons if you attune. About to hit hyperspace on this next leg.
why are you reluctant to change the external? Because we are creatures of habit or it already seems “good enough” - hyperspace sounds like an excellent place to lift off to. Thanks for following my journey, Mac, makes me hypervigilant to deliver the truths about these zig zags life has on offer. I enjoy reading your work - about to dig into your post “the Second Amendment”
We should have a podcast if you want to scratch deep enough to elicit meaning.
I've did change the external. It in many ways showed up again in a new face, and one that changes colors and faces as it goes.
I'm never afraid to change the external. You've got to appreciate those who don't want to, nor do they want me leaving. And unfortunately, I've not yet found home.
Entirely so, at least. It's more like people, wanting me to be furniture in home. Reciprocation matters , when you know your worth and value. When you're aware of what you deliver, versus what is desired.
I'd love to hear your opinion on The Second Amendment. Be prepared to be shocked by the title, and get to know me a bit further.
Ambidextrous I am. I'm mostly a south paw, but ironically maybe only really in my writing with the left hand.
commenting on the 2nd amendment post. yeah - love to do a podcast in a couple months when my new book comes out to talk about these subject matters - about changing the external but ultimately changing our internal
Good morning, Cyn. I can relate to this a little because I've been through a divorce myself. Right after it happened, I felt a mix of sadness, anger, and loneliness. But as time passed, those feelings gradually faded. Then one day, I found myself thinking, "I just hope she's happy." It wasn't because I had forgotten her or rejected the past. It felt more like a sign that I was finally able to move forward with my own life. 😇
That "nothing" being a clean indifference rather than emptiness is such a massive shift, reaching the point where you no longer crave the high or curse the chaos is the ultimate form of peace ✨
I am more glad to read this poem than you can probably imagine. This is because I have hoped for a long time you would post a new poem. But more, I am glad for what it says about where you are now, that you have found some peace. You have come through to the other side of such deep hurt and loss. It’s not that you took longer than you should have to mourn the end of your love and to heal. It’s that you sound stronger than I’ve heard you in awhile. I realize also that though the power in your words is absolutely “genuine” (I haven’t forgotten what you said to me once about this word, in relation to myself, and that I have thought the same about you and should have said so before now), there will be times when the hurt returns. We all know this to be true of every form of loss.
As for the poem itself, it is beautifully eloquent and wise, as are, really, all of your poems.
your words touch me as always Kelly. Yes, it’s been a long time coming that I finally get here… a relationship should never take a toll on us like it does to me… i’m hoping that I can stay this strong and choose wisely the next time “love” comes around. xx
I don’t think you should fault yourself for having chosen less than wisely with that last relationship. People present the best they know how to be when they begin ANY form of relationship. Especially one in which they want to entice another to fasten themselves to them. I am not faulting anyone for doing this because we all do it, it’s natural, automatic. So it’s easy to choose someone we think we can trust with our love because they want us to feel this.
Instead of hoping you choose better next time, I hope the next one does indeed live up to all of the finest attributes he demonstrates in the beginning.
Love this Cyn, so much to relate too. Since I quit drinking I am seeing things so differently as well. I think “indifference,” “watching the world spin,” as you beautifully put is better than, spinning out of control ❤️.
You’re young and you’re learning a very valuable lesson. Kudos to you! It’s not an easy one and yet when we do make that change it does give us inner peace.
Beautiful. Equanimity is so healing when we get there. I remember a stage when I was recovering from major heartache. At that time, when I would see two people in love I actually felt sorry for them—because one day they would have to say goodbye.
I kept thinking of the old word apricity—the warmth of the sun in winter. That is what this piece left me with. Not the blaze of infatuation, but a quieter warmth earned after surviving a long season of frost. Sometimes healing isn't the return of feeling; it's the return of gentleness.
brrrr was that frosty season that I healed from after the post you read ‘The Crushing’ - isn’t it great how our loves become our best muses. Just hope the infatuated one didn’t read these to inflate his ego. But I’m so grateful you have… your insights have helped the healing process more than you know. x
Oh, the romantics always leave out the hangover. The withdrawal that comes when the glow wears off and you’re left looking at whatever is left. There is a primal kind of peace in that 'clean nothing' you describe.
Yes, a peace in my gut and soul… so done with these kind of hangovers! 🖤
There’s something quietly powerful about this. We spend so much time talking about heartbreak as loss that we rarely talk about what comes after the loss of the longing itself.
I don’t read this as cynicism. I read it as freedom.
Not the freedom of forgetting, but the freedom of no longer needing the story to continue. No more bargaining with the past. No more rehearsing old conversations. No more wondering who’s with whom and what could have been.
Just a kind of clean, honest presence.
"Out of the woods. Or maybe just done setting them on fire." is a line that will stick with me for a while.
Thank you for sharing this one.
Stay entangled, my friend.
—Robes
Robes! Perfect way of putting it: Total freedom from longing, bargaining, from the what could have beens! And this place feels damn good. 🖤
Oh, you're so close. I admire your strength a great deal, Cynthia.
You know, its not an easy task to really take control of your addiction like that. And you bring up a beautiful point with this indifference feeling.
When you say, and maybe this is because I don't have toxic exes. I don't have these loves that weren't anything meaningful. But, in that feeling. You truly let them go when you're actually happy they could be happy somewhere.
I only speak, from the perspective of those I've spoken to in the past.
I've seen the very unfortunate side of people never really letting go or moving on from relationships. How they let that unravel their days, their souls.
Yes, love can be hard. I had a twenty year marriage, my kids. All of that.
I loved completely, and moved on quite easily to be honest. I wanted her to be more happy the next way through.
The unhealed toxic and lonely in my family and friends. They couldn't let this go either. They look at it like I'm being taken advantage of.
They turn into pits of shared misery.
You need that indifference, but you don't need to really be focused with any of that. No score keeping. Know that, you are doing exceptional. Look at how far you've come.
And don't treat loneliness or even the idea of not having another person to share things with, as the worst punishment.
Don't try to think of how someone in your pasts, negative, gives you a positive.
Sorry if I sound like I'm talking to you, I'm really just trying to share my perspective. Not really give advice, if. that makes sense.
Hi Mac, I love that you’re talking to me and giving your perspective. The comments area is where we can get to know people and I appreciate a conversation more than just oh I like this. What is so nice to hear is you are healthy enough to have moved on quickly and to say you didn’t have toxic exes means you yourself were & are not toxic. I admit my own toxicity otherwise I wouldn’t have been attracting toxic. I believe in my sobriety now I’m getting healthier and clearer to hopefully attract better. As the saying goes - like attracts like or the level of water we are at, right? 🖤
Yes, like does attract like. For certain.
But we all filter through own polarities a bit.
So the magnetism shifts like current.
What I’ve enjoyed most with reading your journey the past year or so. Is you’ve set an excellent example of proving success, in being able to filter your external, to achieve goals you didn’t think possible.
Think of me as someone reluctant to change the external, knowing it’s just success when I do.
I think that’s where we connect at.
And don’t get me wrong. I healed immediately and found Destiny pulling from outside the wall.
Life teaches lessons if you attune. About to hit hyperspace on this next leg.
why are you reluctant to change the external? Because we are creatures of habit or it already seems “good enough” - hyperspace sounds like an excellent place to lift off to. Thanks for following my journey, Mac, makes me hypervigilant to deliver the truths about these zig zags life has on offer. I enjoy reading your work - about to dig into your post “the Second Amendment”
We should have a podcast if you want to scratch deep enough to elicit meaning.
I've did change the external. It in many ways showed up again in a new face, and one that changes colors and faces as it goes.
I'm never afraid to change the external. You've got to appreciate those who don't want to, nor do they want me leaving. And unfortunately, I've not yet found home.
Entirely so, at least. It's more like people, wanting me to be furniture in home. Reciprocation matters , when you know your worth and value. When you're aware of what you deliver, versus what is desired.
I'd love to hear your opinion on The Second Amendment. Be prepared to be shocked by the title, and get to know me a bit further.
Ambidextrous I am. I'm mostly a south paw, but ironically maybe only really in my writing with the left hand.
commenting on the 2nd amendment post. yeah - love to do a podcast in a couple months when my new book comes out to talk about these subject matters - about changing the external but ultimately changing our internal
Yes, I’m there let me know ❤️
Good morning, Cyn. I can relate to this a little because I've been through a divorce myself. Right after it happened, I felt a mix of sadness, anger, and loneliness. But as time passed, those feelings gradually faded. Then one day, I found myself thinking, "I just hope she's happy." It wasn't because I had forgotten her or rejected the past. It felt more like a sign that I was finally able to move forward with my own life. 😇
Hi Keiichiro - I'm sorry to hear about your divorce but you are actually one step ahead of me wishing her well... i'll get there. soon. x
Love is the most obsessive of all addictions. I know the blessed freedom without it.
But my stupid heart still yearns some days.
Sending love, beautiful Cyn.
That "nothing" being a clean indifference rather than emptiness is such a massive shift, reaching the point where you no longer crave the high or curse the chaos is the ultimate form of peace ✨
Hi Brandi… that’s for sure. it’s taken so long… and that peace feels so good 💜
Hi Cyn,
I am more glad to read this poem than you can probably imagine. This is because I have hoped for a long time you would post a new poem. But more, I am glad for what it says about where you are now, that you have found some peace. You have come through to the other side of such deep hurt and loss. It’s not that you took longer than you should have to mourn the end of your love and to heal. It’s that you sound stronger than I’ve heard you in awhile. I realize also that though the power in your words is absolutely “genuine” (I haven’t forgotten what you said to me once about this word, in relation to myself, and that I have thought the same about you and should have said so before now), there will be times when the hurt returns. We all know this to be true of every form of loss.
As for the poem itself, it is beautifully eloquent and wise, as are, really, all of your poems.
your words touch me as always Kelly. Yes, it’s been a long time coming that I finally get here… a relationship should never take a toll on us like it does to me… i’m hoping that I can stay this strong and choose wisely the next time “love” comes around. xx
Cyn,
I don’t think you should fault yourself for having chosen less than wisely with that last relationship. People present the best they know how to be when they begin ANY form of relationship. Especially one in which they want to entice another to fasten themselves to them. I am not faulting anyone for doing this because we all do it, it’s natural, automatic. So it’s easy to choose someone we think we can trust with our love because they want us to feel this.
Instead of hoping you choose better next time, I hope the next one does indeed live up to all of the finest attributes he demonstrates in the beginning.
"Indifference" sounds like breath. Great piece.
Thanks Cynthia!
Much love from another Cynthia ❤️
Also, if you get a chance, check out my latest https://drcynthiawong.substack.com/p/drumbeats?r=4cbr78&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web
YES! Hello Cynthia!!! You have a beautiful name:)
Love this Cyn, so much to relate too. Since I quit drinking I am seeing things so differently as well. I think “indifference,” “watching the world spin,” as you beautifully put is better than, spinning out of control ❤️.
ah yes totally better to watch the world spin instead of us spinning… sobriety brings clarity for sure. x
You’re young and you’re learning a very valuable lesson. Kudos to you! It’s not an easy one and yet when we do make that change it does give us inner peace.
Stay bougie, my friends! (and preferably out of love, for your own safety) I'd drink whichever beer they were advertising, with this message. ☺️
"Out of the woods...
Watching the world spin,
watching all of you
fall in love again
and again."
Love that, Cyn! Different world ❤️
And I love you my friend. We have spun till we can now stand inside ourselves…full of peace. 🖤
Beautiful. Equanimity is so healing when we get there. I remember a stage when I was recovering from major heartache. At that time, when I would see two people in love I actually felt sorry for them—because one day they would have to say goodbye.
exactly that - even if you last till the end - in death do us part 💔
❤️
Such a healthy place to be! 😊
Thanks Laura - it’s taken a while to get here. 🩶
You're welcome! ♥️