Forgive him. You want justice, but forgiving him doesn't require justice, because it doesn't mean you let him back in, or lie about what he did, or view things as 'smoothed over'. Forgiving him means you let that anger, pain, rage, hate...you let it go. He's no longer your problem. He's not your responsibility. "But I could protect..." then do so. Make it so when his name is searched, people find your story about who he is. Make yourself a credible witness. "But I want vengeance" you want justice, and you won't get it by your own hand. Liars get lied to, betrayers get betrayed. Sometimes it takes decades, sometimes it's tomorrow. Let God sort out the punishment. It's no longer your job to carry that pain. Set it down and walk away. Because you love yourself enough to stop carrying that burden. Your back hurts, you don't need the rucksack anymore. Just walk way, and leave it behind.
This one hit me deep. I felt every word, every smirk, every imagined scene.
And I guess I just wanted to share as someone who actually did the deed, who crossed over, if only for four minutes before the universe decided I wasn’t done yet, and was revived back to life by an angel disguised in a police uniform, I can tell you it doesn’t quite play out the way the fantasy does.
You do get to watch the show in a way. While I didn't get to tally the mourners, I did get to see the carnage my death would bring to those in my life, and it was real, gritty, ugly, and the cuts were deeper for them then the ones I dug in mine.
But what you do get, if you’re lucky enough to come back as I was, is a whole new respect for the gift of breath. For the quiet, ordinary magic of just being here.
And with that comes the chance, hell, maybe a second, third, fifth, or hundredth chance really to spread a little more love. To flap my butterfly wings real fucking hard and make sure the ripple that I leave behind is real, kind, impactful, and full of love.
So I’m glad to know this is just a fantasy. And if it ever feels like more than that, please, please, reach out. I’m here.
oooh Chappy. Woah, you flatlined. Have you written further about this yet? I'd love to read what you experienced out there in more depth. From someone who's been there - what's out there, is there an afterlife, are your soul relatives out there?
So many questions.
And for sure you/we have a mission to bring the world hope, cheer, love, light.
Sometimes I can do that, sometimes I'm just well... here.
Yes, this is only a fantasy. I'm not thinking of doing it, only sometimes the idea of faking it - to take off from the responsibilities of real life, of perhaps still heartache, of what's going on over there in the USA since I am now an expat. Just all of it.
When I was doing drugs in my "previous life" I thought about it.
But not now, just sometimes want to escape "it" whatever that is- and writing it out is the perfect catharsis isn't it?
"Learning that the raging and highly functioning alcoholism weren’t just numbing things. It was rounding out the sharp edges, capping the wild ends, the poles, the magnetic push and pull of my mind."
This is very relatable, Cyn! . I’ve thought of it so many times , but never once worrying about who might or might not attend . At this point , to take an escape would just be enough and not drain my energy into thinking about people but dreaming and planning about what to do next ! An adventure it will be for sure !
Omg, this! The fantasy of orchestrating your own grand disappearance, being both the scene and its silent director. It’s so strangely empowering!
I know right! I’m starting to write a fiction story about it it’s been such a haunting fantasy 😱
I need to read it!
You are so totally unique.
You activated my desire to be invisible but still heard.
Thank you !
Thats exactly it. The desire to be invisible but still heard. I love that 🖤
I thought of hiring someone to dress like the Grim Reaper and stand under a tree. Watching and waiting...
❤️❤️
Forgive him. You want justice, but forgiving him doesn't require justice, because it doesn't mean you let him back in, or lie about what he did, or view things as 'smoothed over'. Forgiving him means you let that anger, pain, rage, hate...you let it go. He's no longer your problem. He's not your responsibility. "But I could protect..." then do so. Make it so when his name is searched, people find your story about who he is. Make yourself a credible witness. "But I want vengeance" you want justice, and you won't get it by your own hand. Liars get lied to, betrayers get betrayed. Sometimes it takes decades, sometimes it's tomorrow. Let God sort out the punishment. It's no longer your job to carry that pain. Set it down and walk away. Because you love yourself enough to stop carrying that burden. Your back hurts, you don't need the rucksack anymore. Just walk way, and leave it behind.
Ufff you're so right. Words to live by . My new virtual friend: you just made me take a breath. My back really hurts.
Thank you for hearing me, for recognizing this place.
I think that's all we need at times, to bleed it on the page and hear someone say enough is enough is enough.
Let that shit go already.
I WILL "Let God sort out the punishment."
Same… sister… same
This one hit me deep. I felt every word, every smirk, every imagined scene.
And I guess I just wanted to share as someone who actually did the deed, who crossed over, if only for four minutes before the universe decided I wasn’t done yet, and was revived back to life by an angel disguised in a police uniform, I can tell you it doesn’t quite play out the way the fantasy does.
You do get to watch the show in a way. While I didn't get to tally the mourners, I did get to see the carnage my death would bring to those in my life, and it was real, gritty, ugly, and the cuts were deeper for them then the ones I dug in mine.
But what you do get, if you’re lucky enough to come back as I was, is a whole new respect for the gift of breath. For the quiet, ordinary magic of just being here.
And with that comes the chance, hell, maybe a second, third, fifth, or hundredth chance really to spread a little more love. To flap my butterfly wings real fucking hard and make sure the ripple that I leave behind is real, kind, impactful, and full of love.
So I’m glad to know this is just a fantasy. And if it ever feels like more than that, please, please, reach out. I’m here.
With love and gratitude,
Chappy
oooh Chappy. Woah, you flatlined. Have you written further about this yet? I'd love to read what you experienced out there in more depth. From someone who's been there - what's out there, is there an afterlife, are your soul relatives out there?
So many questions.
And for sure you/we have a mission to bring the world hope, cheer, love, light.
Sometimes I can do that, sometimes I'm just well... here.
Yes, this is only a fantasy. I'm not thinking of doing it, only sometimes the idea of faking it - to take off from the responsibilities of real life, of perhaps still heartache, of what's going on over there in the USA since I am now an expat. Just all of it.
When I was doing drugs in my "previous life" I thought about it.
But not now, just sometimes want to escape "it" whatever that is- and writing it out is the perfect catharsis isn't it?
Still figuring that all out so when I do it’s real tight…
closest I’ve come so far talks about the butterfly effect and sobriety though
https://open.substack.com/pub/christophernicholaschapman/p/five-minutes-can-change-the-world?r=2bnro3&utm_medium=ios
Yes i loved that post >>>
"Learning that the raging and highly functioning alcoholism weren’t just numbing things. It was rounding out the sharp edges, capping the wild ends, the poles, the magnetic push and pull of my mind."
This is very relatable, Cyn! . I’ve thought of it so many times , but never once worrying about who might or might not attend . At this point , to take an escape would just be enough and not drain my energy into thinking about people but dreaming and planning about what to do next ! An adventure it will be for sure !
relatable as fuck.
😆
i knew you would be a haunting one
😱
I use to wonder the same things! If you ever seen FRIENDS, the one when chandler says ross died and they through a fake wake lol epic !
omg yes, great effing episode!
Every episode was a great episode but glad to see you post something I was missing your writing ! 😂
finally came up for air and this squeezed out of my pores. :D
and thank you, means a lot.
We’ll dance barefoot under the stars Antony 🖤
bahaha